Is this all too easy?
Wednesday
Hospital Round Two | Day 03
When I first heard the word leukemia, I was on the internet, of course, where else would you go. I was looking for real stories. I started down the medical path, but that was just confusing. I didn't know what type of leukemia I had, so it was hard to really understand what to read, what to think.
I wanted to see stories of real people. What were their numbers? What were the symptoms? What happened next? What is a bone marrow biopsy feel like and would I have to get one?
When I got to the hospital, did my biopsy, and was admitted. I wanted to see stories from real people. How long did they have to stay in the hospital? What was chemo like? What did it do to their bodies? To their minds? How did they make things better?
When I learned I had AML, I don't know where I found this information, if I even really had. But, I was sure AML was the good leukemia. It was the one to get if you were going to get any. And then I was in the hospital for 28 days. I had lots of good days and some not-so-great days, but nothing awful. Then I went home for 17 days. I had mostly great days. I had great energy. Surely, this is not cancer. This is not how cancer goes. This should be harder.
At some point at home, counting down the days until my next hospital check-in I got back on the internet. I started looking up stats and they weren't so great. I guess AML is not the leukemia to get. Well, that sucks. The five year survival rate was like 26%. What? I thought it was like 90%. I should have stayed off the internet. I joined two leukemia Facebook groups. There are are stories of awful chemo side effects like more cancer, teeth falling out, fatigue, and other stuff. I should have stayed off the internet. But then, there are stories of long-time survivors living normal lives. Sometimes, those stories are good to hear. There are lots of knowledgeable people that understand more and have great advice too.
I also found some other people diagnosed with leukemia on instagram (of all places). One story I started following more closely is a woman my age in California with AML. I recently read a blog post of hers and I totally get it. I'm constantly wondering if this is too easy? Why am I not a walking emotional wreck? Why am I in the hospital walking laps around the halls instead of sulking? Why am I not angry? And more recently, what if it comes back? What if we go through this process and we think we are in the clear and then I relapse? Or worse, I get a different cancer.
I love seeing my Timehop posts. I've been thinking how crazy it's going to be to see my posts from now in 1, 5, 10 years. I saved a few from yesterday to share.
Hospital Round Two | Day 03
When I first heard the word leukemia, I was on the internet, of course, where else would you go. I was looking for real stories. I started down the medical path, but that was just confusing. I didn't know what type of leukemia I had, so it was hard to really understand what to read, what to think.
I wanted to see stories of real people. What were their numbers? What were the symptoms? What happened next? What is a bone marrow biopsy feel like and would I have to get one?
When I got to the hospital, did my biopsy, and was admitted. I wanted to see stories from real people. How long did they have to stay in the hospital? What was chemo like? What did it do to their bodies? To their minds? How did they make things better?
When I learned I had AML, I don't know where I found this information, if I even really had. But, I was sure AML was the good leukemia. It was the one to get if you were going to get any. And then I was in the hospital for 28 days. I had lots of good days and some not-so-great days, but nothing awful. Then I went home for 17 days. I had mostly great days. I had great energy. Surely, this is not cancer. This is not how cancer goes. This should be harder.
At some point at home, counting down the days until my next hospital check-in I got back on the internet. I started looking up stats and they weren't so great. I guess AML is not the leukemia to get. Well, that sucks. The five year survival rate was like 26%. What? I thought it was like 90%. I should have stayed off the internet. I joined two leukemia Facebook groups. There are are stories of awful chemo side effects like more cancer, teeth falling out, fatigue, and other stuff. I should have stayed off the internet. But then, there are stories of long-time survivors living normal lives. Sometimes, those stories are good to hear. There are lots of knowledgeable people that understand more and have great advice too.
I also found some other people diagnosed with leukemia on instagram (of all places). One story I started following more closely is a woman my age in California with AML. I recently read a blog post of hers and I totally get it. I'm constantly wondering if this is too easy? Why am I not a walking emotional wreck? Why am I in the hospital walking laps around the halls instead of sulking? Why am I not angry? And more recently, what if it comes back? What if we go through this process and we think we are in the clear and then I relapse? Or worse, I get a different cancer.
And please, don't get me wrong. I'm not going down some weird rabbit hole of depression. I'm not scared I'm going to die. I'm still confident that cancer is just a thing I'm dealing with right now, and it's going to go away and I'm going to go back to normal life. This is just a place for me to be real and talk it all out.
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| I got an IV Pole upgrade. I finally asked if they had one that was a bit smoother to walk with. This is so much better. It has somewhere to hold on to to push it while I walk. I also have little place to put my water bottle down. I'm trying to close all my rings this week, get 10,000 steps a day, and walk the halls a mile at a time. |
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| Caitlin and I watching last nights Cubs game. Come on Cubs... only 4 wins now! |
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| I love when these boys come to see me. They are such goofballs. |
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| One year ago. Corn maze and pumpkin patch. The Cubs were in the playoffs getting ready to win the first World Series in 108 years. I'm wearing that same shirt today. Let's hope it brings them some luck tonight. |
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| Zach surprised me with a trip to Seattle. Our entire relationship he's been surprising me. Flowers, coming home from work trips early, vacations. He's good at the art of surprise. Lucky for me, I love a good surprise. |
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| I just had to laugh at this one. The only thing I packed for the week are LuLaRoe leggings! |
Will update again soon.
Love & Light.
😷😘 michelle
Love & Light.
😷😘 michelle
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