And.... it's done.
Saturday
Day 6 of 4th (AND FINAL) consolidation chemo
Finished up my chemo last night around midnight. I'm lucky, Zach came late to get me and take me home. I just couldn't do even 8 more hours in a hospital. I needed to be at home in my own bed. I need this to feel done.
It still doesn't feel done. Maybe because I know I have a few weeks more of sleep, yucky feeling, lots of lab work, and some transfusions.
I'm hoping by March, even April would work, I hope to feel this is past me. That this is done.
I'm scared it won't. I've heard the stories. Hives popping up every year on the anniversary of diagnosis. Every little cough/sore throat/any sign of illness triggers thoughts of relapse.
For me, this has been harder to be DONE then it was to first hear my diagnosis. When I first heard, it was like, OK, time to get into action, we have a plan. We'll do that. Now I just feel lost.
I've been spending the week planning all of these fictional vacations. Ones for all five of us, ones for just Zach and I to celebrate 15 years of marriage in October. I looked at Greece and Italy and Hawaii and Mexico and Disney and Bora Bora and Lake Powell and Arizona and all over. It paralyzes me to commit to one though. It's easier to think that vacations aren't in the budget (partially why I started planning more and more vacations on the high end, more unreachable). It's easier to think we don't have the money than to commit to a date.
What if... I relapse and it ruins our plans. What if...
OK. Back to being excited about being home now. Back to thinking about how all this is DONE. It IS past me. We beat this.
Zach and the boys put this up on my letter board. 💕
Will update again soon.
Love & Light.
😷😘 michelle
Day 6 of 4th (AND FINAL) consolidation chemo
Finished up my chemo last night around midnight. I'm lucky, Zach came late to get me and take me home. I just couldn't do even 8 more hours in a hospital. I needed to be at home in my own bed. I need this to feel done.
It still doesn't feel done. Maybe because I know I have a few weeks more of sleep, yucky feeling, lots of lab work, and some transfusions.
I'm hoping by March, even April would work, I hope to feel this is past me. That this is done.
I'm scared it won't. I've heard the stories. Hives popping up every year on the anniversary of diagnosis. Every little cough/sore throat/any sign of illness triggers thoughts of relapse.
For me, this has been harder to be DONE then it was to first hear my diagnosis. When I first heard, it was like, OK, time to get into action, we have a plan. We'll do that. Now I just feel lost.
I've been spending the week planning all of these fictional vacations. Ones for all five of us, ones for just Zach and I to celebrate 15 years of marriage in October. I looked at Greece and Italy and Hawaii and Mexico and Disney and Bora Bora and Lake Powell and Arizona and all over. It paralyzes me to commit to one though. It's easier to think that vacations aren't in the budget (partially why I started planning more and more vacations on the high end, more unreachable). It's easier to think we don't have the money than to commit to a date.
What if... I relapse and it ruins our plans. What if...
OK. Back to being excited about being home now. Back to thinking about how all this is DONE. It IS past me. We beat this.
Zach and the boys put this up on my letter board. 💕
Will update again soon.
Love & Light.
😷😘 michelle
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