A practice in patience
Wednesday
Day 24 of 4th (AND FINAL) consolidation chemo
So, I'm still here. Yesterday my ANC was at 180. I told them I wanted to go home. I was pretty adamant about wanting to go home. The night before I got very little sleep. My anxiety was high. They are going to have to start giving me some strong anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds here pretty quick if they don't let me out of here.
They gave in and said I could go home. They said I was taking a risk and I needed to understand that. OK. I live 10 minutes from the hospital. I will watch my temps like a hypochondriac. I will come in at any sign of anything. I will be here saying "you were right, I was wrong" if my temp goes up to 100.4. I promise. I thought we had a good plan. I even told them if it made them more comfortable I would stay for that 7pm IV antibiotic before heading home. I thought we had a good plan.
The nurse comes in to give me my antibiotic and says she'll page the doctor that was here now and get paperwork started. Post antibiotic she came in with a defeated look on her face. I feel bad, the nurses always get the crappy part. I get it. I know it's the doctors call. So, if I want to go home I have to sign an AMA (against medical advice) and then I could get stuck with the bill. Yeah, that makes sense insurance. I'm trying to save you money by going home early and you want to stick me with the whole bill. UGH. So, obviously, I stayed. This is probably a $10,000+ stay, I'm sure. I've been here since Friday. I told the nurse not to stress about it and we'll just see what my numbers are in the morning.
Zach came to visit. The plan was pickup. Luckily I had texted him I probably wasn't going home before he left the house so he could bring me more clothes. He stayed with me until about 11. It was nice. I feel like I haven't seen him all week. He's been working hard and taking care of the boys. He comes by in the morning on his way to work and then usually in the evening either before or after the boys go to bed. Last night, we talked and laughed. It was good. It was great. Our relationship has grown so much over the past 6 months. I mean, how can it not, really. I know marriages tend to go one of two ways when stuff this hard happens. Either you get much much closer or you fall apart. I'm lucky.
After Zach left, I felt so much calmer. So much better. I slept so good.
So, I talked about doing yoga the other day. I'm doing this video series on YouTube, Yoga by Adrienne. You really should check them out. She's so great.
Day 24 of 4th (AND FINAL) consolidation chemo
From Zach (instagram Tuesday): No doubt the hardest part for me is knowing there is nothing I can do to make her better. Which has also been really refreshing because it has allowed me to focus on being available for her when she needs me and enjoying moments that I maybe one time took for granted. Like how our date nights now are sometimes just us going to the store without the boys, long romantic walks around the hospital hallways and tucking her in and praying with her before I head home at night. I don’t think I ever tucked her in before this all started. And I love mornings like today when I walk into her room and see her sleeping peacefully. While I really hope today is the last day she ever has to stay in the hospital, I’m thankful for the way God has given me these moments to see our relationship from a new perspective.
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So, I'm still here. Yesterday my ANC was at 180. I told them I wanted to go home. I was pretty adamant about wanting to go home. The night before I got very little sleep. My anxiety was high. They are going to have to start giving me some strong anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds here pretty quick if they don't let me out of here.
They gave in and said I could go home. They said I was taking a risk and I needed to understand that. OK. I live 10 minutes from the hospital. I will watch my temps like a hypochondriac. I will come in at any sign of anything. I will be here saying "you were right, I was wrong" if my temp goes up to 100.4. I promise. I thought we had a good plan. I even told them if it made them more comfortable I would stay for that 7pm IV antibiotic before heading home. I thought we had a good plan.
The nurse comes in to give me my antibiotic and says she'll page the doctor that was here now and get paperwork started. Post antibiotic she came in with a defeated look on her face. I feel bad, the nurses always get the crappy part. I get it. I know it's the doctors call. So, if I want to go home I have to sign an AMA (against medical advice) and then I could get stuck with the bill. Yeah, that makes sense insurance. I'm trying to save you money by going home early and you want to stick me with the whole bill. UGH. So, obviously, I stayed. This is probably a $10,000+ stay, I'm sure. I've been here since Friday. I told the nurse not to stress about it and we'll just see what my numbers are in the morning.
Zach came to visit. The plan was pickup. Luckily I had texted him I probably wasn't going home before he left the house so he could bring me more clothes. He stayed with me until about 11. It was nice. I feel like I haven't seen him all week. He's been working hard and taking care of the boys. He comes by in the morning on his way to work and then usually in the evening either before or after the boys go to bed. Last night, we talked and laughed. It was good. It was great. Our relationship has grown so much over the past 6 months. I mean, how can it not, really. I know marriages tend to go one of two ways when stuff this hard happens. Either you get much much closer or you fall apart. I'm lucky.
After Zach left, I felt so much calmer. So much better. I slept so good.
So, I talked about doing yoga the other day. I'm doing this video series on YouTube, Yoga by Adrienne. You really should check them out. She's so great.
Anyway. I feel like God was trying to tell me something through her videos. I'm not joking. Day 02 was about Trust. I did day 02 on both Friday and Monday (remember, I was struggling on Friday). The second she said it, TRUST, I just knew I had to trust this process. Trust the doctors. And then Day 03. After I was told that I wasn't going home and before Zach got here I decided I should do my daily yoga. I needed it. I was frustrated. Beyond frustrated. I start the video and she says, FLEXIBLE. ugh. I don't want to be flexible. But after 30 minutes of yoga and Adrienne's soothing words... here I am, trying to be FLEXIBLE. Be flexible in my plans and accept that I'm here. Remember that this is it. I shouldn't have to come back ever. Ok, Michelle... be flexible and it's going to have to be in my plans because I'm sure not physically flexible anymore. 😁
So, for now, I guess I'll just communicate via silly insta videos with my boys and wait on those lab results. Seriously what takes so long. They drew blood 2 hours ago and no results. Frustrating!
UPDATE (one hour later) : Labs are back. WBC is dropping so slowly. UGH. ANC is going up but it's only at 210. I don't understand! Platelets are good, 117. Hemoglobin is ok, 7.4 I just don't understand. I'm going to try and be flexible. I'm going to talk to them and see if they'll let me go at 400 or 450. Why are they moving SO SLOW!!!
Will update again soon.
Love & Light.
😷😘 michelle
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