I Shouldn't Be Here

I wrote this on Monday, April 8th, while sitting in the clinic waiting to get my labs done. I didn't get it posted and Wednesday when I went in I ended up back in the hospital for 2 weeks with parainfluenza, e-coli, and pneumonia (possibly fungal pneumonia). It was an awful two weeks. Lots of sleeping. Feeling awful. Fevers up and down. Two weeks. Two weeks in the hospital again. I can't wait to be done with all of this!

I should be out on a hike right now. It's 75 degrees. Not stuck on my couch.

I should be complaining about a workout that I need to do. Not barely able to walk to the bathroom without feeling winded.

I should be working today and complaining that I'm inside instead of out enjoying the beautiful weather.

I shouldn't be the youngest person in this transfusion/chemo room not on staff.

I shouldn't be worrying about also dealing with the possibility of cervical cancer on top of this leukemia crap.

I shouldn't have a transplant coordinator that I email back and forth with to see if I have any of those life saving stem cells matched for me.

I shouldn't know the word neutrophil and where my platelets should be when I have zero medical education.

I just really would like to be done with this.

Some days just suck.

But, it's ok. It's going to be done sooner than I realize. It's going to be a long crappy road, but then life will be back to normal.

I don't ever feel like I didn't take advantage of spending time with my kids and husband and being outside and making memories and loving life. But, even still. Cancer Sucks. Go out. Play. Love life. Complain about working out and busy schedules because that's the worst you got. And then remember that's the worst you got. And get out. Go on dates. Make your life even more hectic. Play. Choose the vacation. Love life.

I'll go back to complaining about workouts and hectic schedules. And then I'll remember that's the worst I got. And I'll take it.

Will update again soon.
Love & Light.
😷😘 michelle