Cancer is Definitely an Emotional Roller Coaster

Wednesday
Day 7 at the hospital
Day 14 of 1st round of consolidation chemo

There are so many highs and lows to this journey. Sitting in the hospital knowing your body isn't doing what it should be doing is so beyond frustrating. The chemo is working, yes, but that means everything is dropping, even the good stuff. I sit here when I should be at home with my boys. Sleeping in the same bed as my husband. Helping my kids get off to school in the morning. Making sure they get their homework done and lunches packed. I should be at home. 

Yesterday I counted that I have been in the hospital 41 of the last 63 days. Nurses work 3 - 12 hour shifts. That means, they have worked 24 of the last 63 days. This isn't fair!

I'm an overall positive person. I know this cancer is going to just be a chapter of my life. But, there are definite ups and downs. I'm lucky to have people in my life (and this outlet of blogging) to express the ups and downs. It really is therapy. 

I can text Zach fifteen times starting at 5:30am to call me as soon as he wakes up so I can cry because I'm frustrated and angry that my blood doesn't want to listen to me when I tell it to stop eating my good cells. I can also text him when I want to jump up and down in excitement because I think I just might be able to go home today. My platelets are up to 22! My WBC made a HUGE jump going from 1.0 yesterday to 7.9 this morning. My ANC is at 3.32, which is huge because that means I'm in a normal range and I'm no longer neutropenic, which means I'm less likely to get an infection. My hemoglobin is also doing well sitting at 8.1. And the RBC is up from 2.31 yesterday to 2.64 today. I'm giddy! 

via GIPHY

But, as emotions go. I will probably become a crazy lunatic of rage if they don't let me out of here today. So just be warned. 😂 😘 I was just told that they are going to recheck my CBC at 2pm, as long as my blood behaves itself and stays up I can go home. PLEASE PLEASE behave blood. Just keep moving up.

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Yesterday, I participated in Ali Edwards Day in the Life, she used a counting prompt to document her story or the day. You can see the kit here.

STEPS TAKEN // 17,113 (my energy was up so I just felt like getting out in the hallways would be good for my frustrations and anxiety)
mini MELTDOWNS // 4 (I was angry walking the hallways, I was so frustrated by my numbers and being stuck in the hospital. I was walking so fast and with a purpose. I had a few mini meltdowns. Nothing crazy. Just a few times when I started to tear up. I could feel it coming. But the angry walking really helped!)
THANKFUL THOUGHTS // 12 
HUGS // 15 (at least. 😍Love those boys!!)
FRIENDS EPISODES WATCHED // 9 (I really love that show! I'm on Season 10. I started with the pilot episode during my long September stay)
MOVIES WATCHED // 1 (Saw IV, I know weird movie selection, but my sister got me to watch the first one, and I've been watching them since I got in here this week. Maybe I'll go and watch the new one in the movie theater when I get out of here.) 
CUPS CONSUMED // coffee = 1, POM = 2, water = 80oz
VISITORS // 5 (my friend Jackie in an attempt to crochet with me - epic fail for me - and my 4 boys)
TEXT MESSAGES // 175 (84 just between Zach and I)
COOKIES EATEN // 5
PAGES READ // 14 (reading Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle)
PHOTOS TAKEN // 11
TIME SAYING platelets // 56 (give or take, I texted, FB'd and verbally said the word platelets so many times I lost track)
KISSES // 5 (quick pecks, I promise. GERMS! 😷😬)
PLATELETS // (5am blood draw = 6, 1 hour post late morning transfusion = 4, 1 hour past late evening transfusion = 45)

Thankful Thought #1 - Estella. My amazing housekeeper. She has been with me since day 1 of this journey. She is the sweetest most kind lady. She remembers exactly how I like my bathroom set up and everything. It's not anything crazy, it's just a towel here and there. But the fact that she remembers. It's the little things you can do for someone that make a big difference.

Thankful Thought #2 - Platelet donors. Seriously, so thankful. I have had so many platelet transfusions over the last week. Please. If you are able. Save a life. Give blood. Give platelets. Sign up to be a bone marrow donor.

Thankful thought #3 - Face Time with my boys while they get ready for the day!

Thankful thought #4 - My new slides from my mom for hospital walking. It's nice to have something other than just socks to walk around. 

Thankful Thought #5 - Ollie's writing and excitement for school. Also Google Docs, because he was able to share his writing with me from school.

Thankful Thought #6 - This project, Day in the Life  I love being able to look back on these everyday moments. A closer glance into our day. This popped up in my Timehop yesterday. It is just a glance into my Day in the Life from last year around this time.

Thankful Thought #7 - Coda texting me pictures throughout the day. They were mostly selfies. Here is one from his after school library program doing stop motion work. I love that he finds these programs and wants to join in for the fun.

Thankful Thought #8 - My boys coming to see me.

Thankful Thought #9 - Zach. For so so so much!

Thankful Thought #10 - People that have been through or currently going through cancer, especially AML and are willing to share their story. It's another reason for this blog of mine. I find it comforting to read others journeys, the ups and downs of it all. I also am in several Facebook groups for leukemia and it's nice to get peoples input when you have questions. It's nice to know you are the norm with a low platelet count after chemo, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Thankful Thought #11 - Great nurses. Especially when they just get it. I feel good. My vitals are good. I don't need to be woken up every 4 hours for no reason. They know and understand that I'm ready to be home. They talk to me like I'm a person. They also will watch my labs and come tell me good or bad news as soon as they know because they know I'm anxious to know. 

Thankful Thought #12 - Zach taking the time to also document his day and take photos for me. Just because he knows that it's important to me. Here's one of Ollie doing some voice over work for the church. And one of Coda with a school project he did in TIDE. How awesome is this. I think the class needs to sell these. I would totally buy one (or ten)!

Counting - Friends episodes and drinks consumed.

Counting - Visitors, Thank you Jackie for coming by with some crochet stuff. I'll probably never get it. But, yeah, maybe knitting. 😂 And it's always amazing to see Zach, even if he has to work from here. It's just nice when he's nearby.

Counting - Cookies eaten.

Counting - Steps

Will update again soon.
Love & Light.
😷😘 michelle